Like E's arm, there is part of me that is broken.
There is a haunting refrain swirling through my thoughts. It is from a song I learned during a period of great healing and it brought me great comfort. "Suffering children are safe in your arms." Then, it brought tears of joy to my eyes. I had been safe in God's arms while I suffered.
Watching E, this same phrase has brought a strange fear and anger. Why? Why? WHY? If God is strong enough to keep suffering children safe through their suffering; if He knows they are suffering; if He is capable of preventing the suffering....WHY?
This is my current wrestling match. I know suffering is valuable. It has great worth and brings God glory like nothing else. But why children? Deeper and more honest still, why me as a child?
Every time I think this break in my peace has healed, something will bump it and here we go again.
Round 45
....Ladies and Gentlemen, In this corner we have the all time heavy weight champion of the universe, and in this corner we have a very worked up little girl...
I have found a lot of truth through these matches. I cling to that truth as a lifeline, but inside I am still broken. I still have a shaky peace with such a scary God. I am fearful of what He can, will, and does allow. I am submissive and I am willing, but I am knee-knocking terrified.
I struggle with this fear between us. I love Him and in the eternal I trust Him, but in the temporal I eye Him warily, always feeling the worst will happen. It's like my belief in miracles is tainted by the knowledge that more often than not suffering will bring Him the most glory.
So we wrestle. Tears streaming. Heart shaking. Begging for Help.
I hold to the promise that although He allows the reed to be bruised, He does not allow it to be broken. So I struggle to hold on to the truth.
God is good. He loves me and mine. He will triumph over evil. He will repay the years the locust have eaten. He will make it all right. Somehow, in a way I am too human to understand, all of this will work together for the good of those that love God and cling to Him like drowning men.
If you need me, I will be swinging from His hem fighting with Someone who will only tenderly love me in return.
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"Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored His name." Malachi 3:16
Beauty
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4 comments:
I'm praying for yall tonight and tomorrow morning.
I hope all is going well with E this morning...
Sounds like you are wrestling well, girl. I believe THAT alone is bringing Him glory! He certainly didn't leave us all the details about Himself and I think if we weren't wrestling with the "whys" it wouldn't be honest. Sounds like you have a good, deep longing for heaven. It makes sense to me to be dissatisfied with earth!
I might have missed your point :), but that's what it spoke to my heart.
I loved this post.
I know, I know.
I've finally come to the conclusion (though I have to remind myself of my conclusion rather often) that there are some things this side of heaven we will never be reconciled with completely. And I know this sounds kind of strange, but we've been reading a lot of Narnia/CS Lewis & A Wrinkle in Time lately, so I've been thinking about this a good bit. Here goes...
We are so bound by "time" on this planet. But God is not bound by time. And what seems horrific and terrible and PAINFUL during these moments and lifetimes that we endure on earth, in our "future" I believe we will only see them a "bleep" on the eternal scope. The fact that He's able to view it in a way we can't comprehend is the only explanation that gives me peace, knowing that one day I'll see it through His eyes. Then I have to rest and trust in the present. He's promised it will all be for my good & His glory as His child. Everything that happens to me in this lifetime is filtered through His fingers of love and sovreignty. I have to focus on WHO He is. Creator, Provider, Sustainer, Lover of my soul, All-sufficient One, the One who sanctifies me, Healer, Father, All-Sovreign One, and so much more! And it's in that sovreignty that I have to let peace wash over my soul, and let my fingers slip away from the bar and free fall into where He wants me to go, knowing that no matter what happens, He will not only catch me at the bottom, but be right beside me throughout. And He is that for all of us - if we'll let Him be.
I think Beth Moore said in the Bible study I'm currently in that for Christians, this world - our lives on this planet is as bad as it gets. In essence, this life is the absolute worst thing that will ever happen to us. But we have the promise of heaven, and we have no idea how good it's going to be. But for the unbeliever, this world is as good as it gets. It only goes downhill from here. Isn't that a sobering thought? Have HOPE in your God and your future. It's going to be amazing.
We love you. Give an update soon.
Terra
i just need to sit, ponder, soak, learn, grow from your post & Terra's beautiful comment...i, too, am experiencing this wrestling match w/Jesus about suffering & surrender---back & forth, grip & release,...
I have been praying for E & YOU!
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