My Story

I was asked by an old friend to share my story with her. Here is what I wrote.



By the time I knew you, I was nearing the end of a very self-destructive run. I was a very depressed, desperate girl longing to hear that she was desired. I had no self-worth. I wanted to die.

A strange thing happened the end of my Junior year of high school. God took away all of my friends except for Jan and Laura. No one really gave me the time of day. At least that is how it felt. I started hearing from your mouths the idea that I was OK. I was acceptable just as I was. I experienced an unconditional relationship.

The summer before our Senior year, a friend forced me to talk to a pastor at our church. I went in to his office with my face set in stone. Scoffing at the idea that I was going to share any of my story with a stranger. The funny thing was that it was my time. He asked my name, and I spilled the whole sordid tale spinning our counseling sessions into two years of gut wrenching healing.

I wrestled with God. I fought with Him over His lack of care for me. I screamed about His negligence. I pounded out my frustration before Him. I was ugly, cussing, raw and hateful. I figured I didn't have anything to lose. I wanted answers, or I wanted out.

You know what. The God I thought I knew did not exist. I thought I was to honor a distant God who was waiting for me to make a mistake. One that was far away and not likely to help.

As I ranted and screamed and expected to be either struck dead or convinced there was no God, I learned the most amazing thing. There most certainly is a God and He is everything. He met me there in tears on the floor and picked me up. We started a journey together with Him gently wooing my heart. He did not rape me by forcing Himself on me, but He gently re-introduced Himself as He really is. Amazingly Holy and without sin. Endlessly loving and passionate. Crazy and unpredictable according to human understanding. Hilariously funny and fun.

He showed me love and health through too many circumstances to even begin to talk about. Mainly He accepted me as I really was; raw, broken, and ugly. He transformed me. I realized that I was valuable. I began to be able to love others and give up my need to control every element in life. I stopped expecting Him to make life easy and learned that He would always make life meaningful. I learned that no matter how much pain came my way, it was for my good. I started to be able to help other people by comforting them with the comfort that I had received. I started to serve a real, living, and very present God that is sorely misunderstood.

It has been a crazy, wild journey and I have never felt more secure or loved.

I believe we all have to come to the place where we have been endlessly offended by God and then decide what we will do with Him. I am firmly convinced salvation lies in that moment.

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."