In the middle of getting ready to prepare dinner for a co-worker of T's, I had to take a few things to the attic. It was so warm, and I have been so cold all day. I sat down for a moment and picked up two journals from my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. What an amazing chronicle of God's unending passionate pursuit of me. I was an incredible wreck of a human being, but God in His infinite mercy reached out and gently led me closer and closer to Him. It was amazing to relive all those turbulent emotions and to see His courtship of my heart. He called me to fall in love with Him and trust His painful healing. He took a dangerous, wounded, and frightened child and became the lover of her soul.
How beautiful to see His face in the description of two godly young men in my life. I mistakenly thought I loved them, but reading back I see that I was passionately, crazy in love with the Jesus in them. The humanness of them drove me batty, but I was a sucker for the tenderness God showered on me through them. I see now that He was wooing me in the only way I could have possibly understood. Then He graciously removed them from the situation so that I could fall in love with Him face to face.
It was at that point that I started writing letters to my future husband. I wrote of begging God to allow me to start a relationship with my husband. Not that I even wanted to know who it was. I just wanted our hearts to begin to be knit together. I prayed that God would be working in my husband's life to guide him and direct him.
It is painfully beautiful to compare the dates with what was happening in T's life and mine. Totally without our knowledge God was powerfully answering my prayers. He invaded T's life and started calling him closer. We were becoming friends in a very safe way through a church leadership team. We had no idea that we were falling in love. God even went so far as to answer my prayer that I no longer date. I was such a failure at dating and although I did not know what courtship was, it was what I knew I desperately needed. The events of our relationship were much more a courtship/arranged marriage since T and I never went on a date until after we both clearly heard God's command for us to marry.
O, the deep, deep love of Jesus. What a beautiful picture of how God is working even when we can not begin to understand how. How faithful to capture the wayward wretch and love her into a transformation that hardly seems possible.
And all those hopes and dreams I had for my future mate? For a few years after we married I would see those lists and think, "oh well, I guess God knows best." How hilarious to read them now and see that T is every one of those things and so much more. Once again, God is never late, but He is never early! He takes His own sweet time working out the details of our lives and giving us the desires of our hearts.
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3 comments:
what a beautiful post. you put into words what I have thought, myself, after having looked at my old journals. wow, what an emotional mess I was. but you are so right, God is faithful. awesome awesome post and thoughts woman. what an encouragement.
i second rachel. it is so neat to see similar things in my own life. it reminds me of yesterday's sermon when brian talked about how we think we have it together, and 5 years later realize what morons we were...looking back can be embarassing and horrific till we realize how God works even our goofiness out to give Him ultimate glory. I'm so grateful for how He put you and your hubby together!
Oh, I love this. I love how you said you fell in love with Jesus in them. Amen to that ;) Been there done that...still doing it actually. You are such a beautiful person and I love having you in my life. I have so much to learn from you. You wise owl you ;)
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