Running away

"I feel like running away," E said as he lay on an examining table awaiting what the doctor had promised to be a very painful procedure. "So do I," I answered with anguish in my heart.

The doctor had laid two courses of action before me to consider. With E listening, the doctor explained that he could set the arm in the office, but it would be very painful and there was no way he could give him anything to dull the pain. The other option was surgery, which would be painless but carried many more risks of infection and complications. Knowing that E was terrified of the pain and had been worried about it for days, it was terrible to look into his eyes and explain that we had to do the procedure in the office. It just didn't make sense to take on all the added risk just to avoid pain.

So he whispered his fear to me as we waited for the doctor.

During the procedure everything in my heart cried out to a God that allowed such pain. Watching the suffering of my child, knowing that I had made the choice to put him through it, was excruciating.

We live in a world full of suffering. There are young girls who are slaves to the perversions of men. Boys that fight in wars and face death for a cause they do not understand. Mothers that hold starving children as the life fades from their eyes. Christians that fear they will not have the bravery to face death for their beliefs.

Looking at the world and the endless suffering I whisper to God, "I want to run away." I cry out for His return. I beg for His mercy. I fear serving a God many times does not intervene. I'm scared.

I am afraid of my own pain, but even more I fear the pain of my children. But I know what is coming. I have been told that suffering is coming and that it is far better to accept it than to run from it.

It makes me angry. I want to turn from God and have nothing to do with One so seemingly hard hearted. I am afraid to be His child and embrace suffering. But, I always have to say with Peter, Lord, where could I go if I left you? You have the words of life.

There is no escape. Suffering will find us no matter how hard we work to prevent it. There is no amount of money or prestige that will keep suffering from our door. Turning from God only mars the hope that a better day is coming. The only thing to do is to turn and face it. To embrace it. To benefit from it.

The term "cowboy up" means to stop being a pansy, stand up, and get it done. Well, I watched my son "warrior up". He gritted his teeth and took it like a man. He squeezed my hand and tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. He couldn't even talk through the pain, but he did not run!

I learned a lot from my son that day. A hero is not one that lacks fear, he is the one that acknowledges his fear and then turns to embrace it.