Marriage

When T. and I were going through pre-marital counseling, we were introduced to this diagram. A husband and wife both have a relationship directly with God and a relationship directly with each other. As one moves up and closer to God, it effects the distance in their relationship with their mate. If both people move closer to God, the result will be their relationship getting closer. However, if one mate is closer to God than the other, or if both are far away from God it causes distance in their own relationship as well.

This weekend I read two books. In both of them there was the underlying theme of a slow cooling of a marriage, leading to a temptation for adultery and ultimately, divorce. It made me take a hard look at the concept in this diagram again. So many marriages hit the stage of life where the husband is working more and more to provide more for his family and the wife is playing superwoman keeping everyone organized, on time, and present at a million different activities. Not only does this make it harder for the couple to spend time with each other, it is hard to spend time with God. Both of these move the couple apart, and give room for temptation to sneak in.

The husband feels unappreciated, the wife of his youth who hung on his every word has turned into a stressed, busy, anxious woman that is no longer very impressed. The wife feels taken advantage of by a family that has learned to depend on her, but never seems satisfied, she wants to be noticed and appreciated.

These are the "little foxes that destroy the vineyard" that Song of Solomon warns us about. They are the tiny, insignificant changes that add up over time to a really big problem. So many couples wake up one day and realize there is a huge canyon in the middle of their marriage. Many times, the tempter has already brought "friends" into the picture that provide each mate with all the attention and admiration they feel they no long receive from their spouse. These opposite sex friendships often start innocently enough. They are a co-worker or an acquaintance that seem kind and caring. As time goes on, a relationship develops. Affairs start way before they are consummated.

This was a wake up call for me. As the boys get older and our live threaten to become more and more busy and separate, there is a call to war. A call to fight for our marriage. A call to make a huge effort to grow closer to God and to each other. A call to know the "little foxes" are out there seeking to come in and destroy our marriage. A call to fight getting comfortable in my marriage and my relationship with God, letting the effort slip and assuming it will always be OK even if I fail to put any more effort into it.

Some of our battle plan includes a regular time set apart, on the calendar, for just T. and me. A time to talk, reconnect, build a relationship separate from the kids. A time to stop and admire each other. A time to stay in love and grow in love. It also includes a rule. We have the rule that neither of us will have a friendship with an opposite sex friend that doesn't actively include our spouse. There should be no one that knows more about me than my husband, certainly not another man. There are no secrets allowed, but there are also no innocent private conversations and "you had to be there" inside jokes allowed.

Sometimes this is hard. T. works a lot of hours with women. He has to make a real effort to keep me involved. To tell me what he talks about, to talk about me freely with the women he is around, and to make a point to introduce me to anyone he feels is a friend, no matter what their age is. I work hard to keep T. involved in any male relationships I might have. I guard my conversations to keep them from any level of intimacy. Sometimes we have to work at being interested in all the details of each other's lives, but all that truth floating around keeps us honest. We know that if their is ever anything we hesitate to share, that is an indication of a problem.

All this to say, marriage is work! It is not for the faint at heart, but for the warrior who will fight the good fight and stay the course. Absolutely no laziness allowed! There is a tempter out there who would like nothing more than to destroy your marriage, crush you, and wound your children!