Wow

While working on Beth Moore's study of Daniel, I read about the pride of self-loathing today. Just a few days ago a friend and I were discussing how it could be that we suffered from both a shaky self-esteem and at the same time struggled with pride. Today it became so clear that they are the same. Beth points out that anytime you are consumed with yourself, that is pride. When we indulge in self-loathing, we are still focusing on ourselves, and anytime we are focused on ourselves we are being prideful. Satan's fall was caused by pride, and that is the main theme of all the sins he lures us to. We are called to place ourselves above all else. Instead of pointing others to Christ, the shaky self-esteem is calling out for attention and affirmation or is just indulging in self-thought. (and I thought I was being humble!)

Satan is so sneaky! While I am looking for a roaring lion, he is coming in dressed as me!

As I have mentioned before, I struggle with discerning the difference between condemnation and conviction. Last night I got some clarity. I had two issues tossing in my mind. One was homeschooling. The theme was the same old "you're a failure" theme laced with the guilt of "your children are going to grow up with a disadvantage." The second issue was my bad habit of not listening well. This was brought to my attention by gentle nudges over the last few weeks. It made me sad to think I was hurting others, but I also felt motivated to work on it. I saw real ways that I could change and felt hopeful that change could happen.

Wow! What a difference. One brought despair, the other brought hope. I am starting to see the difference. I suppose the next step is to disregard the condemnation, speaking truth over it. "I am called to homeschool. God is my leader and I will follow him. My children are in the center of God's hands." And as far as the conviction is concerned, I need to change. I repent to God and ask Him to help me change, confess to those I have hurt and ask them to hold me accountable, and I walk forward.